Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
