someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
