we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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