it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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