Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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