You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
