you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
