if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
