I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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