i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize