I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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