Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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