mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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