i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
