What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
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