Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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