Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
