Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
