is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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