He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
