I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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