Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
