I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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