Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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