Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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