I faked an abortion last night.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
