apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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