And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
How naked do you want me to be?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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