I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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