They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
