the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
