worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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