just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
