saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
