on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
