a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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