Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
