So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
