In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
