Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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