So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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