I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
