I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
