I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
