I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
They took my balls.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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