Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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