I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
