Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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