So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
