I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Randomize