Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
