my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
