Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
