I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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