I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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