is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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