Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
