Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
