So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Are we still banned from the library?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
